On Happiness

Living Life Outside The Cage

Early this morning as I was fixing my first of several cups of coffee, I was struck by a realization: I’m truly happy.

I was taught as a child that my happiness was irrelevant. My mother would say “I don't care if you're happy, I want you to be holy” (and to be fair, I don’t think she actually felt that way). I was taught that my intuition comes from my sin nature, and that to trust myself is heretical. I was to follow the straight and narrow, check in constantly to align my actions and decisions with the culturally conservative interpretation of scripture and Christianity that I was being raised in, and keep my true self in check. I was consistently reminded that I’m an awful sinner. I must die to myself...a strange concept to teach a child.

Can you imagine how terribly confusing this was to grow up in?

What resulted was a young adult who obsessively questioned how she felt. Who had very little self esteem. Who was late to mature. Who was racked with anxiety (but didn’t know that word yet). Who developed unhealthy relationships and stayed in them for far too long, because intuition was not to be listened to. The problem wasn't that I didn't know myself, it was that I did- but I believed I was bad. I was always at war with who I was. My true self is strong and powerful, and I hushed her out of shame. And if I didn't, those around me did.

The people who raised me were convinced that the pursuit of happiness was a road full of indulgence and self-serving behaviors. That I couldn’t find happiness without sin. That long suffering and self-denial is holy, and that my spark of wild power needed to be snuffed out. That to listen to your center, your true self, would lead you off "the path" (and they were right about that one!). That to trust your intuition is to give in to your sin nature, and that your sin nature comes from Satan. So, to follow your heart was to follow evil.

But, guess what I've learned in the past ten years? Happiness isn’t found in self-indulgence, and happiness isn't sin. Happiness isn’t even based on external factors or circumstances, because happiness is not a feeling, it's a knowing. Happiness is realizing that you are whole. That you are good. That your creation was intentional, and your light eternal. Happiness is understanding that you have had the answer within you the whole time. That you are not broken.

Once you begin to trust yourself, to tune into the true energy of who you are, your life will undoubtedly look different. You will begin to dismantle your programming, make changes, step towards freedom, and embrace your inner fire. It will be very hard for the people around you who have spent their lives convincing themselves that they like their cage to see you happily outside of yours.

So, today, know this: You don't need to fix yourself, you just need to free yourself. Happiness is yours, and you were made for it.

Andrea